Uncertainity

Uncertainities need to dissolve.
A closed loop is what I seek.
If I talk I talk nonstop and if I stay quiet it stretches for an eternity.
Some people put you out of it.
Some people push you in more.
I find bliss in my people these days.
The need of having new company has vanished.
I need to connect with old souls.
I know.
I wish to be the good old self who found happiness in the pages of a new book.
I wish to be the storyteller again; the poet who had a universe in her head.
I need my old people so I can see my real reflection.
I don't crave to go back in time but to just recollect the memories.
Memories which are fading.
What happens in life is scary at times but is exciting.
Every day is a new struggle, a new rush, a new dream.
People judge, advice and speak.
But a few feel.
I wish to stick to those few.
Those who feel.
I want this 'What if' to end.
I want this 'What now' to end.
Ending is not the right word.
Maybe I need a comma that stretches for a long time.
A sentence is formed which I don't need to finish it in rush.

That Unwanted Long Distance

It is as fragile as a cherry petal. It is harsh on the heart and soft on the soul. The distance, the unwanted paradise of doom touches you.

Where you see people you love interacting, posting, being online yet be so far from you.

You are in touch, though it's a myth of another kind.

What keeps you together is a want. What keeps you together is the wish.

Otherwise there is nothing in between. No paradigms.
What you feel in a moment is gone the next. You will never feel that again for them, or you might,
But the moment is lost and also the intimacy.
The intimacy that was holding you strongly for a second, with your eyes closed and your eyes lost and your eyes seeing.
Seeing you both, together, back in the time, meeting for the first time, feeling the rush, feeling the calmness.
Those eyes at zenith yet fixed on you. The comfort and the end of time.
The first hugs you feel again now with empty arms. Those satisfy yet leave a thirst of lifetime.
Because never again are you going to feel the same intensity, it will be less or high but never the same. Because the moment is gone.
And you are alone feeling it and never disclosing it because you don't know how many times they feel the same.
You never ask and you never say because you wait.
And the wait is more beautiful then leaving them after you see them after three months.
And when you see them it seems you never left and when you leave it seems you never saw them.
You forget facial expressions but you never forget that sleeping face right next to you with hair clouding the eyes.
That soft movement of their body you feel when you keep a hand on them in their sleep just to be assured that you both are together in this moment.
The pain is gone and will return.
Because long distance is unwanted yet certain.

Phases

The days are passing in a blur but they are not passing quickly.
There is where occurs the damage.
The damage of an approximate permanency that can't be handled.
What you have is never enough.
What you don't have is always tearing you apart.
You shouldn't pass your time, you should use it.
But who teaches, doesn't preach.
Do they?
It's a circle.
It's a never ending race.
You are bothered by something and things seems impenetrable.
Then you achieve it and move ahead.
Face another demon.
But all the time the hurt is real.
For others, maybe they see the stupidity.
But you see all those hours where you lie motionless.
Tears without voice.
Thinking I have wasted one more day of my life.
Cringing and crying and complaining.
It's toxic.
It's nonchalant.
But it is there, this weird pain.
The pain of being so away that it seems you are alone yet surrounded.
It suffocates.
It doesn't help.
Everything pinches, nothing bothers.
You eat, repeat, loathe, eat more and think.
Cheer yourself up.
But see the downfall again next morning.
It's a loop.
Time heal things.
But what if this time things need to heal the time.
That is harsh and hard.
Healing time needs time.
And every second counts.
You don't have enough time to waste.
No one ever has.
Because the very next second you could fall in a pit.
A pit deep enough to pull you in depression.
But these are the extreme thoughts.
The most that can happen is an utter darkness.
Which you feel when you remember this time.
A time that no one understands but everyone knows about.
Because things are hard from only one side.
From the other side it'
s the most normal thing in the world.
Is it?
Exaggerations?
Panic?

It's All In Your Head

Every day you fight for some peace, one more distraction and a little bit more sanity. But things don't come this handy. Every day you have to push a little bit more, work too much for distracting yourself but still you face things which are hard to get through. When life is completely fine it is then when your mind starts finding problems. It is not used to of having everything in control. Strange but true.

It's so hard to explain that you stop telling it to people. It crowds your head too much that it becomes hard to handle. You try everything which people tell you to do in situations like these, read some motivating books, busy yourself, try meditation, exercise, socialize dahdidahdah....
But what actually helps is talking to someone about it.

When you open up without any inhibitions and fear of judgments it is then that you see that the problem is actually nothing but something self made. They help you to caress those dark nooks and crannies which always remain unexplored. When you talk they make you understand how you are damaging yourself more then any other aspect or person in your life.

They should listen like they are your doppelganger. You will see their face soften, for you, for your worries and they will open their own heart making you understand the real problem. They will bring their own past in consideration, will show their hidden treasure of worries and will make you understand this is not new. Things happen for a reason sometimes, for greater good, sometimes they happen for no reason, just to let you feel some things, even if you want it or not.

They have noticed your habits and they know how hard you are trying, behind that smile of yours they can see the daily struggle. They try to bring the best in you by highlighting things you have been ignoring because when in shambles you can only see the negative. They praise you for pulling it through so far with grace. And now all you need is a break. Maybe they are right, all you need now is to stop trying for sometime and let it flow. They won't ask you to go with the flow, they would not want you to stop doing things as this will relapse all the progress you have made so far. But they will surely want that you give yourself a break from all the things you are trying. Maybe you don't need to try that hard at all. Maybe all you need is a little free time to ponder over things.

And the dots link and you feel content. That's all it takes, a small effort, a small talk and it feels done. It feels the world can be conquered. You might get back to where you were even after the talk but still it will help for few days and not getting any help is better than getting some help, passing some days with delight, without worries.

All you need is an ear that listens and not just hear and a heart that feels and not just care.

The Late Night Space

In the world where people are fond of catching up all the time, you enter a phase where you don’t need catching up anymore. After a long day of work when you come back home, settle down, doing nothing but staring at the wall, alone, you are at peace. How? Why? Irrelevant questions. Sometimes all you need in life is space. Space from your own self which isn’t bothered, which is free from worldly duties for some time.

When its 11 at night and you have no one to talk to you are at peace because you are spared from all the daily questions of how things were, how it has been and how it is going to be. Don’t we answer these questions too frequently. Why don’t people ask something out of the blue, something which needs a cup of tea in hand to answer and understand, something which can make you stop and think before you open your mouth to reply.

You reach midnight and the playlist running in your ears is not soothing your heart anymore, you need more space, more aloofness. You remove the earphones and wait for the silence to absorb you. It might take some seconds but sometimes it might take the whole night. Because some noises never leave you and they never will. On some nights the voices are silent, just like the person. And you get that space back. The space you never had before.

I need few empty pages and a pen that doesn’t pain my fingers. I don’t need a smoke; I need the smallest flicker of light that is coming from far corner of the big and empty roof. I need the lights from the planes that fly above me. I need to see those flashes coming from far off homes which I can see but cannot see. But I need the darkness too, the darkness which is due to the trees which are spread across. And the darkness which is coming from beyond the visibility area.

Some pages of your journal are filled, and you realize the words don't show any hurt. You are happy to see that your day was nice and soothing. You see your happy self between the lines. You see how you embraced the change. You see how you learnt the art of letting go in just few hours. You see how things are fine just like that. You see how you had to let go in a way that you never thought about.

1 a.m. is harder. The silence is emptier, the heart is more active, and sleep is just around the corner. But you know it is not time yet. You browse in your phone and reply to those who have ignored you for a long time. You are not bound to reply, you aren't seeking and adoring attention. You do it only because that’s who you are, you don’t ignore. This will make you feel guilty later but later is not a concept of your life; its always right now.

Few more words passed around, few stories, few confessions, its soothing yet not everything that one needs. But what one needs, I don’t know what I need, I just leave it on fate and enjoy what I have now. Life is too short to hold onto things, people and grudges. You need fresh morning every day and a peaceful night; a night like this.

Another hour and the poet is out, but there are no words. Poetry is in your emotions and that cant ooze out from your words. Not this night of course, not this day. It must wait, or the things needs to settle more. You are still vulnerable but not breakable. There is a minute difference and not everyone will realize it.

When you are a horror movie lover three o clock scares you the most. You are more careful because you know what happened in the movies. You never come out of magical realism if you are a true fantasy fan, it's the part of your real life.

You are on a random call with someone who is teaching you that how everything is fine, but you are not letting it to be. But he doesn’t know that you have already let it go in a true sense and somehow he helped you in it. Some people leave a mark without even realizing. And I have stopped overwhelming people by thanking them. They will see for themselves, the changes in you will tell them that they are giving a meaningful shape to things.

After being confined in your cubicles for hours and hours when you walk on an empty roof for some minutes your heart is elated. You don’t need a companion to enjoy the starless sky, you need to enjoy it alone to enjoy it later with someone else, someone who will understand how important silence is for you. And when he will be a part of that silence it will make more sense.

The late-night space is not just a concept, it’s a feeling. Its your special place, special time of the day, which might delay you tomorrow, but it gave bliss today. And today is what matters. Right now, is the right high.

A day in the big city

People make plans and cancel them, make them again and cancel again. Big cities come with big disadvantages. People have no time for solace, they have time for sleep but not for what comes after waking up. Only those who don’t get to do what they want to, in a city they are stuck in can understand how lucky few people are, but that’s a hypothetical concept for them.

You can be happy anywhere but what if you want to be happy due to a reason, due to some places, due to some things. Can we really get that in any city? Can we get that at any day of the week? Do we really need weekends to do what we like?

I want to spend my start of the week wandering like its no ones business. I might look unemployed, roaming with no intention but some days you need just that, no plans, no thoughts, no ideas of how the day is going to be. You go where you want to, you do what your heart desire in that particular moment, you visit that bookstore where you cant afford even a page of your next to be read book, but you still go, see those books and feel at home. It seems this was the only thing that was missing, this solace of your kind.

No one will come with you for a horror movie because they know they will be a scared bag of chips, full of anxious air and well you will be laughing with glee when the ghost appears suddenly. The movie was all you needed, after what you were forced to watch before with others, no ghosts, no blood, how can someone enjoy this plainness. Not me.

You need to date yourself on a day when the whole city is busy in their cubicles, and you are getting drenched in an unexpected rain, listening to a track which no one knows about but you.

Its like having a secret life, where no one has a place, it’s your sanctuary, your peaceful abode. But is the day over yet? No. There are still those connections of yours who are bored after their usual day and want to connect, and as the day comes to an end, you too need someone to tell you that you are not alone in this chaos. Some people feel for you and are happy to see you, those hugs are priceless, those smiles are all that you need after such a tiring day. Because you can love yourself enough but when someone loves you back it touches you deep.

What better way to end your day with your 20 year old friend, when she let you reminiscence the old memories, roast some gems of your school and make you remember that we two have come so far on our own, it feels the day is now complete.

Twelve hours later in the busiest city of the country, you have time for yourself, what else one needs. You are happy, but are you? Only one person in the world knows about it and she is waiting for you to come back home so she can listen to how everything went. And she is happy for you. She listens to the minutes when you were about to give up in the day and is proud when you didn’t.

Some days can only be lived in a big city. No one is concerned about where you go, or if you slip or if you look bad or you are wildly moving around with teary eyes, and this getting lost in the crowd can only be felt here. And it is addicting. You need another day like that and another and another…...

Room with a view

What fun in working day in and out when you can’t look down at the whole world as if you don’t belong to this chaos. What is the logic when logics work in the most logical way. What is the worth of that view when things don’t blend with each other to give a blurry image.

All I need is a cup of tea, a magnificent view and solace. It brings back all the things that you let go in the long run which shouldn’t have been left to themselves. It brings back the childhood memories of standing on the rooftop and feeling the pain of muddy water running from the overhead pipe directly on your head after a long rainy day has been over. Its like no one is watching you but you have that eyesight to inspect the farthest flicker of light which is invisible to all senses.

A room with a view is not a concept it’s a way of living. When you know that the pace of all your worries will be slowed down as soon as you will notice that dog who plays with his owner in the nearest house of the fifth lane. When you know the bells of the temple will be so soft from distance that you would be tempted to listen it from a closer vicinity. It changes something, something minuscule.

All I need is a cup of tea, a magnificent view and a book in hand. The characters will not be running in my imagination, they would be playing a role in front of the vast view that my eyes are noticing. They will live in the house which I can’t see if I stand in one corner of the room, but I can surely peep inside the window if I change my orientation. When the city I read about becomes the city I am observing, it’s like parallel worlds getting collided for the first time, people merging, time warps and strange situations happening just behind the park with a broken wall.

It can take away the pain which you felt when the view was changed earlier in the day when you stepped out. Maybe it can change the way you look at things or make you more vulnerable, but it has the power to change things; for better or for worse? that is a different concept. You can let go of things, people, love and hostility. Or you can be more anxious then you have been all day, and no one will even know; just your reflection which is lost in the void of a populous view.

But be alone to feel the feel of a view in the room of your own because at the end of it you need to return to what is yours and is real. You can’t run away but you can take a break and the break is worth it...

What a good book can do to you

You know you are submerged in a good book when you stop everything you have been doing for many weeks; all of a sudden. What it is doing to your mind and heart is more complex to understand then the book itself.

What I have been reading since past 3 days have left me wondering what your mind can do to you when you are involved in a fictional tale which you can relate to your own life.

How can it make you feel connected to different people in your life?

When the story is divided in phases and when people come and go according to their roles you understand how important that is. How the same thing has been following you around day in and out. But now as you know the ending of the book you understand how things mattered in the very start which led us to this outcome. You suddenly start worrying less. Its such a sudden thing that even you can’t believe it for some time.

People come and go but they leave their imprint and that will shape up what you desire wholeheartedly.

How you start loving and hating the same person in and out of the book?

Its strange how a writer can play with your mind and make you believe that you have been trusting the wrong person all along. You stop, close the book, wait a minute or two, read the passage again and connect the dots. Its hard to manage the bile rising in your throat but not everything runs according to your fancy. Loving and hating are strong words and run hand in hand. On one page you are loving them and on the last sentence you are heart broken. Sounds relatable?

How big revelations are not embellished, and pain is not told but allowed to be felt?

When I was reading this book, death was told in between all the commotion that was going on; it wasn't mentioned once in full royalty. It can be the last sentence and that tells you the chapter is over, move on. That hits hard. Analyze it for yourself, feel the pain hidden somewhere in between the last and the current page you are on and inhale the emptiness; as you are not going to meet the same character again in your life, but the book wouldn’t have been completed without them. That was something to learn for a lifetime.

How people turn their biggest defeats around?

I love books which don’t have an over-powered protagonist. The weight is too heavy for two shoulders. It needs to be passed on over and over and over till the distribution sounds sane, the problems sound genuine and the rewards are hard earned. Who needs a hero when you can have multiple normal people? Similarly, who needs one soul when you can have many who shapes you through and through until you sail with them, knowingly or unknowingly. You fail but who said it was an easy road. Be anxious, be stupid, make mistakes but DO something if you are not content.

How love can teach you what it takes to be there?

Fiction can have unrealistic love couples. But I see two normal people who fell in love because of no reason. Simply fell in love and never fell out of it. The stolen glances are much more functionary then the endless and tiresome love making. Something that lasts longer and leaves a beautiful imprint in the heart of someone who is reading such a simple and ordinary love tale that ends in not more then a few chapters or few pages, or maybe a paragraph.

How social reasons cannot affect a fictional tale?

 I skip all the unnecessary information the writer tries to give me when I am enjoying just a story. But you need to know who supports who just to see how they will react further. It’s an enjoyable process, though people are dying, murderers are not convicted but do you care when you know it’s a reality hidden behind a story which never happened. It’s a maze of creative space and real world which you never want to exit.

How big revelations can make you wonder your intelligence?

You feel you know it all, a few more chapters and its done. You will be crying your heart out in a few seconds without any explanation even if you are sitting in a room full of people. You breathe slowly, keep the book as far as possible to never return to it. But that is a pretense. You return to it after few hours, you are ready now. It will be over in a few chapters and maybe you have been too negative, and the writer wasn’t in the bad mood while writing the story. Maybe love stays when you think everything has gone astray. The hope rises and its not in your power to relate it to yourself.

How the pressure of finishing it and not letting them go is balanced?

Just 40 more pages; and it has been hard on you. People are dead, love has bloomed, hardened, lied to and what not. Nightmares will haunt you too because you are part of it now, believe it or not, it is not going to leave you alone tonight. You can’t escape it. You skip paragraphs because you need to end it before going to bed, but you know you are letting go of your breath with that, you revisit and find your favorite quote. Just like how you miss on important things not knowing they were important in the first place. But you go back and that is what really matters.

It was hard but it was hard in a subtle way 😊 

Weight Loss for the right reason

Losing weight is not hard, there is no rocket science involved. It goes much deeper.

Being an obese person for almost 23 years of my life I have realized one thing, no one could persuade me to do it other then myself. No matter how much humiliation I went through, I could never do it. No one could make me understand that it was important because they gave me all the wrong reasons.

Weight loss is not for fitting in better clothes, it's not for shutting up that creep from your college who body shammed you, it's not for that neighbour who constantly reminds you of your round shape; weight loss is for something which you don’t want in your life anymore. It can be your decreased morale, any disease due to obesity or decrement in your confidence level.

Proper and positive reasons for weight loss can make you move in right direction; with determination and passion. All it takes is the correct “why”. A correct “when” which should always be today and not any coming Monday. And a correct “How” which is the easiest to figure out.

The main factors that help in boosting your confidence are the right sort of people who are around you during this phase. With every kilo I lost I had a friend who was happier than I was and that made the process exciting. Every Friday she waited to hear how my week went. And every time my weight was same, she used to explain how I am losing fat and not weight so I shouldn't feel bad about it.

You don’t need negativity, you don’t need pressure, if you are enjoying what you are doing you are doing it correctly.

Many people are obsessed with not weighing themselves but trust me weighing and measuring yourself weekly or daily can help you satiate your mind in the best possible way. It can make you realize that what went wrong in your week, how your diet or cheat meal didn’t work in the best way for your metabolism or how your sleep schedule is affecting your progress.

If you are doing it for yourself, for your own betterment and change, you can follow it for a longer time. And once you achieve a little your greed for more will occur and that greed never lets you stop.

Chose the right reason and enjoy the changes. :)

Anxiety, Stress and Books

Those who say they have never been touched by anxiety while serving aren’t being truthful. It is common to cross the path that leads to small panic attacks while we are in distressing situations. There are many therapies to calm oneself and enjoy the present but deep down its hard to cope with the mundane reality. The Monday blues hit hard.

How reading helps?

When you read a book that genuinely interest you (this is important) it can help to let go of all the moments and happenings that are haunting you even after hours of their occurrence. When I read it helps me to reach a subconscious state where I don’t see anybody except the characters in the story. I sometimes relate to them and it gives me an extra edge to be in a more confined space in a good way. There are scientific studies that shows how reading is a more effective stress buster then any other activity which people normally enjoy to kill time.

No activity can be an ultimate therapy it can be a path to betterment.

Stress and anxiety can be prolonged or a distant visitor but in both cases it will make you restless. Being restless makes your concentration dwindle and alas resulting in reduced competency.

Reading offers you to fight your demons by reading about fictional ones. It takes you away from reality. Also reading before bed cures insomnia.

How to develop a habit of reading?

-          It is not easy to develop a good habit. I have had many friends who really wanted to read a book and they couldn’t wait to borrow it but they never returned it, as it was never picked up. The only thing that helps is a will and a good book to start with. Whenever someone asks me for recommendations I only ask one question, “What sort of films you like to watch?” it is as simple as that. You will enjoy books only when you enjoy the theme and topic. It is an experiment I did last year and it proved to be fruitful.

-          If you have no time to physically read a book try an audiobook they can do wonders when you are tired after a long day of work but want to get to the next chapter of your book.

-          You don’t need to read continuously or daily, read when you are free, read when you are doing nothing but scrolling through social media.

Some book recommendations from my personal favorites:

1.       Women centric-

-          The divine secrets of Ya-Ya sisterhood by Rebecca Wells

-          The secret life of bees by Sue Monk Kidd

-          Memoirs of Geisha by Arthur Golden

2.       Mystery/Thriller-

-          And then there were none by Agatha Christie

-          The Girl on the train by Paula Hawkins

3.       Indian Authors-

-          Train to Pakistan by Khushwant Singh

-          The God of small things by Arundhati Roy

-          The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

4.       Fantasy/Magic/Dystopian-

-          Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

-          Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

5.       World War 2-

-          The book thief by Markus Zusak

-          Last train to Istanbul by Ayse Kulin

Happy Reading :)