Only If

If I ever get a chance I would love to fall in love with someone who has never been in love.
It would be so easy to make him see things through my eyes because there would be no impression of past on his being.
It would be so easy to make him believe in love and make him stay in love.
It would be so easy to make him believe in me.
It would be so easy to let him touch any boundaries and never feel over the top or under it, even if he compare things.
Because for him it would be all-new, it would be all enough.
It would be so easy for him to shower everything he has without any hindrances or second thoughts.
It would be so easy for him to not be conscious in any situation, which reminds him of his past.
It would be so easy for him to see the world through my eyes.
It would be so easy for me to see the world through his eyes.
Because for him it would be all-new, it would be all enough.
It would be so easy to crowd his thoughts because he doesn't know any other aura, where he can get lost and reminisce.
It would be so easy to live with him in the present.
It would be so easy to make memories with him because he has no memories of before with anyone which can cloud him.
It would be so easy to be harsh and soft on him.
Because for him you would be his world and world is always one and never two.
Because for him it would be all-new, it would be all enough.

Uncertainity

Uncertainities need to dissolve.
A closed loop is what I seek.
If I talk I talk nonstop and if I stay quiet it stretches for an eternity.
Some people put you out of it.
Some people push you in more.
I find bliss in my people these days.
The need of having new company has vanished.
I need to connect with old souls.
I know.
I wish to be the good old self who found happiness in the pages of a new book.
I wish to be the storyteller again; the poet who had a universe in her head.
I need my old people so I can see my real reflection.
I don't crave to go back in time but to just recollect the memories.
Memories which are fading.
What happens in life is scary at times but is exciting.
Every day is a new struggle, a new rush, a new dream.
People judge, advice and speak.
But a few feel.
I wish to stick to those few.
Those who feel.
I want this 'What if' to end.
I want this 'What now' to end.
Ending is not the right word.
Maybe I need a comma that stretches for a long time.
A sentence is formed which I don't need to finish it in rush.

That Unwanted Long Distance

It is as fragile as a cherry petal. It is harsh on the heart and soft on the soul. The distance, the unwanted paradise of doom touches you.

Where you see people you love interacting, posting, being online yet be so far from you.

You are in touch, though it's a myth of another kind.

What keeps you together is a want. What keeps you together is the wish.

Otherwise there is nothing in between. No paradigms.
What you feel in a moment is gone the next. You will never feel that again for them, or you might,
But the moment is lost and also the intimacy.
The intimacy that was holding you strongly for a second, with your eyes closed and your eyes lost and your eyes seeing.
Seeing you both, together, back in the time, meeting for the first time, feeling the rush, feeling the calmness.
Those eyes at zenith yet fixed on you. The comfort and the end of time.
The first hugs you feel again now with empty arms. Those satisfy yet leave a thirst of lifetime.
Because never again are you going to feel the same intensity, it will be less or high but never the same. Because the moment is gone.
And you are alone feeling it and never disclosing it because you don't know how many times they feel the same.
You never ask and you never say because you wait.
And the wait is more beautiful then leaving them after you see them after three months.
And when you see them it seems you never left and when you leave it seems you never saw them.
You forget facial expressions but you never forget that sleeping face right next to you with hair clouding the eyes.
That soft movement of their body you feel when you keep a hand on them in their sleep just to be assured that you both are together in this moment.
The pain is gone and will return.
Because long distance is unwanted yet certain.

In Short #5

Sometimes all you need is a break.

Break from shambles.

Break from your outer self,

to heal the broken soul.

And breaks are fine.

Phases

The days are passing in a blur but they are not passing quickly.
There is where occurs the damage.
The damage of an approximate permanency that can't be handled.
What you have is never enough.
What you don't have is always tearing you apart.
You shouldn't pass your time, you should use it.
But who teaches, doesn't preach.
Do they?
It's a circle.
It's a never ending race.
You are bothered by something and things seems impenetrable.
Then you achieve it and move ahead.
Face another demon.
But all the time the hurt is real.
For others, maybe they see the stupidity.
But you see all those hours where you lie motionless.
Tears without voice.
Thinking I have wasted one more day of my life.
Cringing and crying and complaining.
It's toxic.
It's nonchalant.
But it is there, this weird pain.
The pain of being so away that it seems you are alone yet surrounded.
It suffocates.
It doesn't help.
Everything pinches, nothing bothers.
You eat, repeat, loathe, eat more and think.
Cheer yourself up.
But see the downfall again next morning.
It's a loop.
Time heal things.
But what if this time things need to heal the time.
That is harsh and hard.
Healing time needs time.
And every second counts.
You don't have enough time to waste.
No one ever has.
Because the very next second you could fall in a pit.
A pit deep enough to pull you in depression.
But these are the extreme thoughts.
The most that can happen is an utter darkness.
Which you feel when you remember this time.
A time that no one understands but everyone knows about.
Because things are hard from only one side.
From the other side it'
s the most normal thing in the world.
Is it?
Exaggerations?
Panic?

Musings #5

Love comes when you

have given up on yourself.

It blooms when you

care the least about

it being true.

Love stays when you

push it far beyond.

It holds when you

don't look back and

find standing it ahead

in your way.

Waiting to hug back.

Waiting to embrace again.

Letting go ghosts of past.

Book Review: Sin is the new Love by Abir Mukherjee

Book: Sin is the New Love

Author: Abir Mukherjee

Publisher: Srishti Publishers

Genre: Fiction (Mystery/Suspense)

Blurb:

Ahi is an aspiring publisher and wishes to make it big someday. When he favourite author’s autobiography lands on her table – which has confessions of his heinous crimes, illegal businesses and few eminent others as his partners in crime – she doesn’t know if it’s real or someone’s trap. It could get her a big breakthrough, but little does she know that it would turn her world upside down completely.

Her morbid curiosity pulls her into the depth of a conspiracy. She finds herself in the centre of various mishaps and murders, as if someone wants to lead the way. Driven by her childhood friends Samim’s encouragement, and watched over by the ever so charming ACP Rathore, she has to jeopardize her life to find the brutal truth of her past.

Touching, thrilling and deeply mysterious, Sin is the New Love is the journey of a girl who stumbles upon the truth about her origin while chasing her dream.

Review:

This is the second book by Abir that I have read, and I was very excited to read it as I know how grounded and realistic the stories are. The book deals with various themes like romance, friendship, triangles, suspense, thriller and a never-ending edge and sharpness.

The characters in the book are few but refined. Though I strongly feel that apart from physically characterizing the people nothing else was done. I would have really appreciated if the characters would have been shown in more depth, which would have further made the story more connective, taking in account why the character is doing what. Apart from plain facts, some connecting dots would have done wonders.

The narration of the book was on point, nowhere I felt that I am getting confused with turning events. It was plain and smooth. I could very well imagine and go with the flow of the story.

I couldn’t connect with the love interests in the book. It was bland for me, very bland. If it wouldn’t have been there, I am sure the book wouldn’t have missed even one bit of its existing charm.

The unfolding of events, the narration within a narration was well portrayed as these kind of situations leads to misleading directions. But it was well executed by the author. Extra points for that.

The ending for me was okay. It was different from what you would have thought but not extremely shocking. The series is about to get continued and I am really looking forward to reading the further story.

All the very best for the next venture Abir 😊

About the author:

Abir Mukherjee was born and brought up in Bardhaman, a small town of West Bengal. He is currently based in Bangalore, having completed more than ten years as an IT Professional, after securing his degree in engineering. This is his third novel after As Life Has No Undo and S.O.A.R - Success over Adversity Reigns! He loves to sketch and write in his spare time.

Buy the book here:

Amazon

In Short #4

What if he ends up doing exactly what he said

and we still end up being alone?

Musings #4

My poems are assortment of rhyme schemes and prose.

Even dead bodies can find the hidden and visible meanings.

But only YOU will find ME in them,

But only YOU will fine YOU in them,

But only YOU will fine US in them.

Hidden in the layers of unrhymed schema.

And then I will know that you have fallen for me on all fours.

It's All In Your Head

Every day you fight for some peace, one more distraction and a little bit more sanity. But things don't come this handy. Every day you have to push a little bit more, work too much for distracting yourself but still you face things which are hard to get through. When life is completely fine it is then when your mind starts finding problems. It is not used to of having everything in control. Strange but true.

It's so hard to explain that you stop telling it to people. It crowds your head too much that it becomes hard to handle. You try everything which people tell you to do in situations like these, read some motivating books, busy yourself, try meditation, exercise, socialize dahdidahdah....
But what actually helps is talking to someone about it.

When you open up without any inhibitions and fear of judgments it is then that you see that the problem is actually nothing but something self made. They help you to caress those dark nooks and crannies which always remain unexplored. When you talk they make you understand how you are damaging yourself more then any other aspect or person in your life.

They should listen like they are your doppelganger. You will see their face soften, for you, for your worries and they will open their own heart making you understand the real problem. They will bring their own past in consideration, will show their hidden treasure of worries and will make you understand this is not new. Things happen for a reason sometimes, for greater good, sometimes they happen for no reason, just to let you feel some things, even if you want it or not.

They have noticed your habits and they know how hard you are trying, behind that smile of yours they can see the daily struggle. They try to bring the best in you by highlighting things you have been ignoring because when in shambles you can only see the negative. They praise you for pulling it through so far with grace. And now all you need is a break. Maybe they are right, all you need now is to stop trying for sometime and let it flow. They won't ask you to go with the flow, they would not want you to stop doing things as this will relapse all the progress you have made so far. But they will surely want that you give yourself a break from all the things you are trying. Maybe you don't need to try that hard at all. Maybe all you need is a little free time to ponder over things.

And the dots link and you feel content. That's all it takes, a small effort, a small talk and it feels done. It feels the world can be conquered. You might get back to where you were even after the talk but still it will help for few days and not getting any help is better than getting some help, passing some days with delight, without worries.

All you need is an ear that listens and not just hear and a heart that feels and not just care.

Musings #3

They will break your heart over and over and over.
But you should remember only broken souls complete the eternal stories.

You will always question why me.
You will try to run away, to escape into the unreal world where no one knows you.

But at the end the solace will be where the eyes are waiting for you and only you.

People say Love comes to those who wait but sometimes it comes to those who make mistakes.

Many people will woo you but it will take courage to woo yourself in those moments and come out of the unending agony of falling and never returning, never rising and never evolving.

It takes courage to say that you have been wronged and not be angry.

It's fine at the end to let go.

Some people come only to let you feel how it shouldn't have been.

Some people will return making new promises.

Some people will come just because you are too hard to pass.

Some people will come and make you feel special.

Some people will come and say all that you want to hear.
Some people will say that they miss you.
But it is just the idea of being with you they miss.
They miss being around a fragment of you and not you as a whole.

One day you will find your filter; a deep cleansing will be done.

It would be hurtful to see that you have been in the same loop again due to someone you weren't expecting it from.

But it's okay.

It's fine.

It always is.

And even though it isn't it will be.

As you will let go of toxic people even though you still want to hold on to them.

And maybe you will be content.

Musings #2

He feels right, everyone does.

The question is will he feel right,

all the time.

Will the efforts last for an

unending time.

A time, long enough to break

the game of attachment and detachment.

Will it ever grow beyond? 

In Short #3

He makes me see beyond my own reflection.

Kind of self love through his eyes.

In Short #2

Your past is never left behind.

You carry it everywhere,

just,

not with the same intensity

and heaviness.

In Short #1

When I talk about him,

I talk about him.

When I think about him,

I think about us.

Musings #1

I want to take him out for coffee,

carrying two books.

Different ones.

Rule 1.

We should read in silence.

Rule 2.

Listening to a common playlist.

He might laugh at a joke in the book.

And I will look up for a second,

but he will ask me to carry on.

Rolling his palm,

gesturing that he will explain later.

The day will pass by

and I will have the best of both worlds.

The Late Night Space

In the world where people are fond of catching up all the time, you enter a phase where you don’t need catching up anymore. After a long day of work when you come back home, settle down, doing nothing but staring at the wall, alone, you are at peace. How? Why? Irrelevant questions. Sometimes all you need in life is space. Space from your own self which isn’t bothered, which is free from worldly duties for some time.

When its 11 at night and you have no one to talk to you are at peace because you are spared from all the daily questions of how things were, how it has been and how it is going to be. Don’t we answer these questions too frequently. Why don’t people ask something out of the blue, something which needs a cup of tea in hand to answer and understand, something which can make you stop and think before you open your mouth to reply.

You reach midnight and the playlist running in your ears is not soothing your heart anymore, you need more space, more aloofness. You remove the earphones and wait for the silence to absorb you. It might take some seconds but sometimes it might take the whole night. Because some noises never leave you and they never will. On some nights the voices are silent, just like the person. And you get that space back. The space you never had before.

I need few empty pages and a pen that doesn’t pain my fingers. I don’t need a smoke; I need the smallest flicker of light that is coming from far corner of the big and empty roof. I need the lights from the planes that fly above me. I need to see those flashes coming from far off homes which I can see but cannot see. But I need the darkness too, the darkness which is due to the trees which are spread across. And the darkness which is coming from beyond the visibility area.

Some pages of your journal are filled, and you realize the words don't show any hurt. You are happy to see that your day was nice and soothing. You see your happy self between the lines. You see how you embraced the change. You see how you learnt the art of letting go in just few hours. You see how things are fine just like that. You see how you had to let go in a way that you never thought about.

1 a.m. is harder. The silence is emptier, the heart is more active, and sleep is just around the corner. But you know it is not time yet. You browse in your phone and reply to those who have ignored you for a long time. You are not bound to reply, you aren't seeking and adoring attention. You do it only because that’s who you are, you don’t ignore. This will make you feel guilty later but later is not a concept of your life; its always right now.

Few more words passed around, few stories, few confessions, its soothing yet not everything that one needs. But what one needs, I don’t know what I need, I just leave it on fate and enjoy what I have now. Life is too short to hold onto things, people and grudges. You need fresh morning every day and a peaceful night; a night like this.

Another hour and the poet is out, but there are no words. Poetry is in your emotions and that cant ooze out from your words. Not this night of course, not this day. It must wait, or the things needs to settle more. You are still vulnerable but not breakable. There is a minute difference and not everyone will realize it.

When you are a horror movie lover three o clock scares you the most. You are more careful because you know what happened in the movies. You never come out of magical realism if you are a true fantasy fan, it's the part of your real life.

You are on a random call with someone who is teaching you that how everything is fine, but you are not letting it to be. But he doesn’t know that you have already let it go in a true sense and somehow he helped you in it. Some people leave a mark without even realizing. And I have stopped overwhelming people by thanking them. They will see for themselves, the changes in you will tell them that they are giving a meaningful shape to things.

After being confined in your cubicles for hours and hours when you walk on an empty roof for some minutes your heart is elated. You don’t need a companion to enjoy the starless sky, you need to enjoy it alone to enjoy it later with someone else, someone who will understand how important silence is for you. And when he will be a part of that silence it will make more sense.

The late-night space is not just a concept, it’s a feeling. Its your special place, special time of the day, which might delay you tomorrow, but it gave bliss today. And today is what matters. Right now, is the right high.

A day in the big city

People make plans and cancel them, make them again and cancel again. Big cities come with big disadvantages. People have no time for solace, they have time for sleep but not for what comes after waking up. Only those who don’t get to do what they want to, in a city they are stuck in can understand how lucky few people are, but that’s a hypothetical concept for them.

You can be happy anywhere but what if you want to be happy due to a reason, due to some places, due to some things. Can we really get that in any city? Can we get that at any day of the week? Do we really need weekends to do what we like?

I want to spend my start of the week wandering like its no ones business. I might look unemployed, roaming with no intention but some days you need just that, no plans, no thoughts, no ideas of how the day is going to be. You go where you want to, you do what your heart desire in that particular moment, you visit that bookstore where you cant afford even a page of your next to be read book, but you still go, see those books and feel at home. It seems this was the only thing that was missing, this solace of your kind.

No one will come with you for a horror movie because they know they will be a scared bag of chips, full of anxious air and well you will be laughing with glee when the ghost appears suddenly. The movie was all you needed, after what you were forced to watch before with others, no ghosts, no blood, how can someone enjoy this plainness. Not me.

You need to date yourself on a day when the whole city is busy in their cubicles, and you are getting drenched in an unexpected rain, listening to a track which no one knows about but you.

Its like having a secret life, where no one has a place, it’s your sanctuary, your peaceful abode. But is the day over yet? No. There are still those connections of yours who are bored after their usual day and want to connect, and as the day comes to an end, you too need someone to tell you that you are not alone in this chaos. Some people feel for you and are happy to see you, those hugs are priceless, those smiles are all that you need after such a tiring day. Because you can love yourself enough but when someone loves you back it touches you deep.

What better way to end your day with your 20 year old friend, when she let you reminiscence the old memories, roast some gems of your school and make you remember that we two have come so far on our own, it feels the day is now complete.

Twelve hours later in the busiest city of the country, you have time for yourself, what else one needs. You are happy, but are you? Only one person in the world knows about it and she is waiting for you to come back home so she can listen to how everything went. And she is happy for you. She listens to the minutes when you were about to give up in the day and is proud when you didn’t.

Some days can only be lived in a big city. No one is concerned about where you go, or if you slip or if you look bad or you are wildly moving around with teary eyes, and this getting lost in the crowd can only be felt here. And it is addicting. You need another day like that and another and another…...

Room with a view

What fun in working day in and out when you can’t look down at the whole world as if you don’t belong to this chaos. What is the logic when logics work in the most logical way. What is the worth of that view when things don’t blend with each other to give a blurry image.

All I need is a cup of tea, a magnificent view and solace. It brings back all the things that you let go in the long run which shouldn’t have been left to themselves. It brings back the childhood memories of standing on the rooftop and feeling the pain of muddy water running from the overhead pipe directly on your head after a long rainy day has been over. Its like no one is watching you but you have that eyesight to inspect the farthest flicker of light which is invisible to all senses.

A room with a view is not a concept it’s a way of living. When you know that the pace of all your worries will be slowed down as soon as you will notice that dog who plays with his owner in the nearest house of the fifth lane. When you know the bells of the temple will be so soft from distance that you would be tempted to listen it from a closer vicinity. It changes something, something minuscule.

All I need is a cup of tea, a magnificent view and a book in hand. The characters will not be running in my imagination, they would be playing a role in front of the vast view that my eyes are noticing. They will live in the house which I can’t see if I stand in one corner of the room, but I can surely peep inside the window if I change my orientation. When the city I read about becomes the city I am observing, it’s like parallel worlds getting collided for the first time, people merging, time warps and strange situations happening just behind the park with a broken wall.

It can take away the pain which you felt when the view was changed earlier in the day when you stepped out. Maybe it can change the way you look at things or make you more vulnerable, but it has the power to change things; for better or for worse? that is a different concept. You can let go of things, people, love and hostility. Or you can be more anxious then you have been all day, and no one will even know; just your reflection which is lost in the void of a populous view.

But be alone to feel the feel of a view in the room of your own because at the end of it you need to return to what is yours and is real. You can’t run away but you can take a break and the break is worth it...

What a good book can do to you

You know you are submerged in a good book when you stop everything you have been doing for many weeks; all of a sudden. What it is doing to your mind and heart is more complex to understand then the book itself.

What I have been reading since past 3 days have left me wondering what your mind can do to you when you are involved in a fictional tale which you can relate to your own life.

How can it make you feel connected to different people in your life?

When the story is divided in phases and when people come and go according to their roles you understand how important that is. How the same thing has been following you around day in and out. But now as you know the ending of the book you understand how things mattered in the very start which led us to this outcome. You suddenly start worrying less. Its such a sudden thing that even you can’t believe it for some time.

People come and go but they leave their imprint and that will shape up what you desire wholeheartedly.

How you start loving and hating the same person in and out of the book?

Its strange how a writer can play with your mind and make you believe that you have been trusting the wrong person all along. You stop, close the book, wait a minute or two, read the passage again and connect the dots. Its hard to manage the bile rising in your throat but not everything runs according to your fancy. Loving and hating are strong words and run hand in hand. On one page you are loving them and on the last sentence you are heart broken. Sounds relatable?

How big revelations are not embellished, and pain is not told but allowed to be felt?

When I was reading this book, death was told in between all the commotion that was going on; it wasn't mentioned once in full royalty. It can be the last sentence and that tells you the chapter is over, move on. That hits hard. Analyze it for yourself, feel the pain hidden somewhere in between the last and the current page you are on and inhale the emptiness; as you are not going to meet the same character again in your life, but the book wouldn’t have been completed without them. That was something to learn for a lifetime.

How people turn their biggest defeats around?

I love books which don’t have an over-powered protagonist. The weight is too heavy for two shoulders. It needs to be passed on over and over and over till the distribution sounds sane, the problems sound genuine and the rewards are hard earned. Who needs a hero when you can have multiple normal people? Similarly, who needs one soul when you can have many who shapes you through and through until you sail with them, knowingly or unknowingly. You fail but who said it was an easy road. Be anxious, be stupid, make mistakes but DO something if you are not content.

How love can teach you what it takes to be there?

Fiction can have unrealistic love couples. But I see two normal people who fell in love because of no reason. Simply fell in love and never fell out of it. The stolen glances are much more functionary then the endless and tiresome love making. Something that lasts longer and leaves a beautiful imprint in the heart of someone who is reading such a simple and ordinary love tale that ends in not more then a few chapters or few pages, or maybe a paragraph.

How social reasons cannot affect a fictional tale?

 I skip all the unnecessary information the writer tries to give me when I am enjoying just a story. But you need to know who supports who just to see how they will react further. It’s an enjoyable process, though people are dying, murderers are not convicted but do you care when you know it’s a reality hidden behind a story which never happened. It’s a maze of creative space and real world which you never want to exit.

How big revelations can make you wonder your intelligence?

You feel you know it all, a few more chapters and its done. You will be crying your heart out in a few seconds without any explanation even if you are sitting in a room full of people. You breathe slowly, keep the book as far as possible to never return to it. But that is a pretense. You return to it after few hours, you are ready now. It will be over in a few chapters and maybe you have been too negative, and the writer wasn’t in the bad mood while writing the story. Maybe love stays when you think everything has gone astray. The hope rises and its not in your power to relate it to yourself.

How the pressure of finishing it and not letting them go is balanced?

Just 40 more pages; and it has been hard on you. People are dead, love has bloomed, hardened, lied to and what not. Nightmares will haunt you too because you are part of it now, believe it or not, it is not going to leave you alone tonight. You can’t escape it. You skip paragraphs because you need to end it before going to bed, but you know you are letting go of your breath with that, you revisit and find your favorite quote. Just like how you miss on important things not knowing they were important in the first place. But you go back and that is what really matters.

It was hard but it was hard in a subtle way 😊