Uncertainity

Uncertainities need to dissolve.
A closed loop is what I seek.
If I talk I talk nonstop and if I stay quiet it stretches for an eternity.
Some people put you out of it.
Some people push you in more.
I find bliss in my people these days.
The need of having new company has vanished.
I need to connect with old souls.
I know.
I wish to be the good old self who found happiness in the pages of a new book.
I wish to be the storyteller again; the poet who had a universe in her head.
I need my old people so I can see my real reflection.
I don't crave to go back in time but to just recollect the memories.
Memories which are fading.
What happens in life is scary at times but is exciting.
Every day is a new struggle, a new rush, a new dream.
People judge, advice and speak.
But a few feel.
I wish to stick to those few.
Those who feel.
I want this 'What if' to end.
I want this 'What now' to end.
Ending is not the right word.
Maybe I need a comma that stretches for a long time.
A sentence is formed which I don't need to finish it in rush.

That Unwanted Long Distance

It is as fragile as a cherry petal. It is harsh on the heart and soft on the soul. The distance, the unwanted paradise of doom touches you.

Where you see people you love interacting, posting, being online yet be so far from you.

You are in touch, though it's a myth of another kind.

What keeps you together is a want. What keeps you together is the wish.

Otherwise there is nothing in between. No paradigms.
What you feel in a moment is gone the next. You will never feel that again for them, or you might,
But the moment is lost and also the intimacy.
The intimacy that was holding you strongly for a second, with your eyes closed and your eyes lost and your eyes seeing.
Seeing you both, together, back in the time, meeting for the first time, feeling the rush, feeling the calmness.
Those eyes at zenith yet fixed on you. The comfort and the end of time.
The first hugs you feel again now with empty arms. Those satisfy yet leave a thirst of lifetime.
Because never again are you going to feel the same intensity, it will be less or high but never the same. Because the moment is gone.
And you are alone feeling it and never disclosing it because you don't know how many times they feel the same.
You never ask and you never say because you wait.
And the wait is more beautiful then leaving them after you see them after three months.
And when you see them it seems you never left and when you leave it seems you never saw them.
You forget facial expressions but you never forget that sleeping face right next to you with hair clouding the eyes.
That soft movement of their body you feel when you keep a hand on them in their sleep just to be assured that you both are together in this moment.
The pain is gone and will return.
Because long distance is unwanted yet certain.

In Short #5

Sometimes all you need is a break.

Break from shambles.

Break from your outer self,

to heal the broken soul.

And breaks are fine.

Phases

The days are passing in a blur but they are not passing quickly.
There is where occurs the damage.
The damage of an approximate permanency that can't be handled.
What you have is never enough.
What you don't have is always tearing you apart.
You shouldn't pass your time, you should use it.
But who teaches, doesn't preach.
Do they?
It's a circle.
It's a never ending race.
You are bothered by something and things seems impenetrable.
Then you achieve it and move ahead.
Face another demon.
But all the time the hurt is real.
For others, maybe they see the stupidity.
But you see all those hours where you lie motionless.
Tears without voice.
Thinking I have wasted one more day of my life.
Cringing and crying and complaining.
It's toxic.
It's nonchalant.
But it is there, this weird pain.
The pain of being so away that it seems you are alone yet surrounded.
It suffocates.
It doesn't help.
Everything pinches, nothing bothers.
You eat, repeat, loathe, eat more and think.
Cheer yourself up.
But see the downfall again next morning.
It's a loop.
Time heal things.
But what if this time things need to heal the time.
That is harsh and hard.
Healing time needs time.
And every second counts.
You don't have enough time to waste.
No one ever has.
Because the very next second you could fall in a pit.
A pit deep enough to pull you in depression.
But these are the extreme thoughts.
The most that can happen is an utter darkness.
Which you feel when you remember this time.
A time that no one understands but everyone knows about.
Because things are hard from only one side.
From the other side it'
s the most normal thing in the world.
Is it?
Exaggerations?
Panic?

Musings #5

Love comes when you

have given up on yourself.

It blooms when you

care the least about

it being true.

Love stays when you

push it far beyond.

It holds when you

don't look back and

find standing it ahead

in your way.

Waiting to hug back.

Waiting to embrace again.

Letting go ghosts of past.